In Your Hands - Stories behind my EP

I, like many others, will never forget the year 2020; the year the whole world was locked down by the COVID-19 pandemic. It has been quite the ride since then.

As we were confined in our houses last year, life for my housemate and I was all about waking up and finding something to do; praying, working out, working on personal projects, trying to learn new skills, watching videos on YouTube and Netflix, eating, sleeping and doing it all over again the next day.

For me, it is in that period that I started writing new songs. The process however, began before that.

Be Still

Every January since 2017, I take a 21 day fast to dedicate my life to the Lord, and for the year’s plans. The 2020 one was different. I’d decided to try out a dry fast…well, not completely dry…but one in which I wouldn’t eat food at all. I said that I was going to push for three days and if it didn’t work out for me, I would go back to my usual routine; break fast in the evenings.

In my mind, I wanted to take it to the next level, hear God more clearly than ever. I wanted to experience Him in a way I never had before, be touched in a new way, get a fresh anointing, get a new revelation and much more.

I started the fast and let me tell you, it was hard. The first three days, I was able to push through…by eating a couple of raisins every now and then to trick my mouth a little bit. Otherwise, I’d just drink water and juice. But by day five, the hunger was so real that I couldn’t sleep that night.

Although it was really hard physically, spiritually I was more attuned to God’s voice like I’d hoped for. I listened to the worship songs on my playlist more than I'd ever had before, even when taking a nap. On that playlist, one song in particular kept resonating with and ministering to my spirit. It was “Be Still” by Travis Greene.

I knew that song well, but it hit different and little did I know that the message was one that I’d have to remember as the year 2020 unfolded, for my own sake.

In Your Hands

On the sixth day of the fast, I started feeling a lump in a very secluded area, and by day nine it had become so big and painful. I knew what it was and I dreaded it, because I had experienced it before (you can read about that experience here).

It’s something called an anal abscess (one of the worst things to ever experience), and that cursed condition had come back to torment me for a second time. I decided to go to a doctor to get it drained, and I didn’t have medical insurance then, meaning it required quite a sum of money I couldn’t afford.

Because of that, I opted for a cheaper procedure that involved a local anaesthetic, as opposed to a general one that’s more expensive.

Five minutes into the procedure, I started feeling a sharp excruciating pain I’ll never ever forget in my life. The puzzled doctors suspected and discovered that my infection ran deeper than the local anaesthesia could reach. But we had to get on with it to the end.

To add salt to the wound, I still had to go back to the clinic the first few days after the procedure, to get the wound cleaned up and the bandages changed.

Eventually I got better, but during the ordeal I constantly thought and prayed in disappointment, “Lord, I was seeking a deeper relationship with You. Why did You allow me to go through this when I was actually trying to get closer to You?”

Although I was proud to have tried, I was disappointed that my body couldn’t keep up with me, and I was annoyed with God and felt let down when I had to stop my fast as soon as I got sick.

See, among my prayers was the direction to take for that year, and I was also waiting on a visa to come through so I could join my wife in Canada. Also, I didn’t have a job then. I did not know which step to take next with my life, and I was beginning to doubt a lot of the things I knew God had in store for me.

Despite all that however, I just decided to keep the faith because quite frankly, there really was no one else to turn to but God. And despite the doubt in the moment, deep down I knew He had a plan. He’d come through for me many times before, and I believed he’d do it again.

So I prayed, “I’m doubting, Lord. I don’t know what to do, but I choose to put my life in Your hands.”

You’re Enough

A few months later, we were in total lockdown, and so we had a lot of time to think and reflect about any and everything.

For me, I remembered a season in my life in which I needed work to make a living, but I couldn’t get a job. Many promising opportunities would come my way but somehow disappear into thin air.

I’m talking about having impressive interviews, being offered a job that looks and sounds perfect, one that I would enjoy doing, but the project I’m to work on getting scrapped somehow before I even get the contract. Talk about trying times.

God being God, still provided for me through it all. He still gave me gigs here and there, doing what I love; writing and editing. In His own way, He always provided me with what I needed then.

But after getting married, I couldn’t help but get worried thinking to myself, “Now we are two. I need a BREAKTHROUGH,” despite having a wife who supports me.

Yes, God had always come through, and still does, but I was tired of finding roadblocks ahead of me. I was tired of searching and searching, only to hit a brick wall. I was tired of asking and begging God to open doors. It had become overwhelming, and it took an emotional toll on me. I felt inadequate.

“I’m a man,” I thought. “I should be the provider. I should be able to take care of her financial needs.” I knew I was not lazy, and I had tried hard, but in vain it felt. It was exhausting. I was at a point where I wanted to give up, just wondering, “What’s next?” But then again, I chose to trust God.

And day by day, He patiently taught me that He is my source, and will always be the ultimate ONE. I began seeing that NOTHING can happen without Him allowing it, good or bad. And like Kirk Franklin says, “Just because God allows things that may not be good to us, it doesn’t mean they're not good for us.”

With Matthew 6:33 (For seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you), He reminded me to follow Him and trust that He’ll take care of me. Sure enough, again, He came through like He has in every situation. And as I reflected, He continued to tell me that He’s always been enough for me.

I'd still have NOTHING if I had EVERYTHING else except or without Him.

Great I Am

Even when I don’t get what I want, I never lack any of my needs. I’m in good hands. Whatever I go through leads to somewhere good, as long as I let Him order my steps.

And He knows the plans that He has for me. And He is a good good father who loves me more than anyone and anything in this world. Even through the pain, He is with me. As long as I’m alive and in His will, I should be content.

He is the Great I Am. The Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. All that I have is because of Him.

When I wake up in the morning, it’s the breath He blew in my lungs that I’m still breathing. My wife by my side, He gave that gift to me. The roof over our heads, He gave that. The food on our plates. He gave that. The clothes on our backs, He gave that. Good health, He gives that. The gifts and talents, He planted. The work of our hands, He blesses and multiplies.

All that I am, and all that I have is because of Him alone. His Grace has been and continues to be sufficient even in the trials. He remains God above all, God almighty. All praise and glory be to Him, to the King, to our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Moving Forward

He’s the same God who freed the Israelites from the Egyptians, who was with them as they wandered the desert for forty years, and who led them into the promised land.

And speaking of the Israelites, it’s funny how Pharaoh released them and later changed his mind and pursued them, wanting to enslave them again. We all know how that story ended for him and his army.

However, before his demise, can you imagine how afraid the Israelites felt when they heard the sound of Pharaoh’s army; the trampling hooves of the horses, and the marching of the soldiers coming after them as they were so close to the promised land?

Bishop TD Jakes explained it so well in one of his sermons that I watched in that season…and used it as a metaphor for our lives when we are traumatised.

We might be past some trauma of sorts, but we never forget it. Our brains can still associate certain people, sounds, images, situations and much more with a trauma that was inflicted, so when we encounter them again, they can bring back memories, cause anxiety and any other negative emotion to resurface.

The fright of being pulled back into traumatic events or situations that it brings can be consuming.

It was so with me. After being blessed with some good work for a while, the beginning of the year found me with no job. I was still blessed though, and my wife was supportive of me.

But it looked like I was finally in the promised land, and somehow I’d ended back where I was before. It was and still gets scary whenever such a season comes through.

But that does not necessarily mean that I’m back to where I started off. That does not mean that God is not with me. That does not mean there isn’t a way out.

Despite what the Israelites were hearing and seeing, God used Moses to make a way for them by splitting the red sea in front of them. Pharaoh and everybody who pursued them along with him got swept away clean, and the Israelites made it into the promised land with no more worry of him.

That scripture gives me courage to keep on moving. The Red Sea incident shows that despite the seemingly hopeless circumstances, the Israelites kept moving forward and eventually reached the promised land.

And so can we. Through all the trials, God will be with us. He will see that we don’t lack exactly what we need. He’ll always take care of us as along as we’re with Him. He’ll always make a way.

Look to Him and keep moving forward.

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Listen to the songs through the links below: